Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Grandma - Babysitter and baked bean terrorist

When I was young, my mother worked two jobs and went to night school. As a result, we spent a lot of time at my grandma’s house across town. We didn’t mind, except for the fact that she only owned 3 videos – Priscilla: Queen of the Desert, Riverdance and Lord of the Dance. Really, how many times can you watch these things? (answer: 714)

Anyway, one night my mum was coming home late, so we were staying the night. Grandma let us choose whatever we liked from the kitchen for dinner. I went for the chicken (it was a safe bet. The time before we had had liver) and my youngest sister, N, wanted baked beans.

Grandma chucked the chicken in the oven, set the baked beans can on the top of the stove and we all settled in to watch Hey Hey it’s Saturday.

After about ten minutes, the kitchen exploded! My grandma, who had been through WWII did the most logical thing and squawked, then hid behind a pillow. L, N and I went to investigate and learnt that cans which contain compressed contents don’t take well to heat.



After it was decided that I was the tallest person under 70, I would have to get onto the bench and clean the walls and ceiling. To make matters worse, Grandma was too busy critiquing my cleaning and burnt the chicken. So this is how I spent a Saturday night in winter, as a ten year old.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Is this why I haven't been recruited onto a home improvement show?

So every year after Christmas, V and I have a tradition. On Christmas Day, we come home and clean out all our cupboards in order to fit the new gifts and get rid of stuff we haven't used (Oh yes, the spirit of Christmas is alive in the Antarian household!)


Usually this ends up whipping me into a home makeover frenzy, with V being dragged along sadly with his tool box






Unfortunately, things never work out as they do in my head




So without further ado:


Antarian's Guide to Failing at Home Improvement!!


This year, I decided I was sick of the door to the walk-in wardrobe in our room, since you have to close it to even get to the clothes on one side. So we removed it


Step 1: Remove Door
SUCCESS!!

Step Two: Use my genius

In one of our spare bedrooms, the door handle is falling off.
Exhibit A:


So in my genius state, I said to V "Rather than having to remove one door handle then put on the one from the wardrobe, lets just replace the door with the wardrobe one!!"

GENIUS USED - SUCCESS!!

Step Three: Replace door

Easily done


SUCCESS!!

Step Four:
This last step is easy. Close door and bask in my own excellence!!

FAIL

This resulted in my alternating between hysterical laughter and yelling at the door for not growing and outlining its inadequacies as a means of closing off a room.

BUT THEN!!!! I forgot my final step:

Step Five: Use genius once again!!

Rather than immediately fix the door, I gave the excuse of "Let's just wait to see if the door settles into the frame before we see if it needs replacing.", and then one day, I realised that this home improvement tragedy is really a whole new means of entertainment for hours!!!

Creepy staring!!

Heeeeeeere's Johnny!!

Take THAT Better Homes and Gardens!