Tuesday, December 14, 2010

There's one in every workplace

The Did you get that Thing I sent you? Guy.
How the interwebs have changed our lives. I don’t even have to step outside to go shopping, speak to friends and family, share precious memories captured on film, even order a pizza. In the workplace, email prevents me having to go to the other side of the school/building/room/desk to talk to people.



But there are people who abuse that power, using email like a magical ninja would use time wasting ninja stars (think about it. It's only a matter of time).

Here’s a picture of a cat! Here is the background to the picture of a cat story! Wow, this story about the man who had his finger bitten off by a crocodile but still plays the banjo is inspiring! Oh look, a whole list of reasons why men are better than women/women are better than men/cars are better than turtles! READ THEM ALL!!! I CRAVE ATTENTION!!!

If the email is relevant to only ten percent of the organisation, they will send it to everyone. With a background that takes up half of your email usage.

However, it doesn’t stop there.  Then three other people send replies to the email, but of course they can’t just reply to the sender, THEY REPLY ALL!!!
Usually leaving people with actual work to do reduced to this:




5 hours to answer a question guy
You just needed to get some envelopes and then you miss your lunch and end up staying after work for an hour just to get to the point:




Oversharer
Aaaallll you wanted to was have your lunch in the staff/break room. And they start. First the conversation is relatively innocent, then it turns into their child’s nappy contents/medical issues/favourite sexual positions/fight they had with their partner. And you are halfway through your sandwich with no justifiable excuse to leave:



The Questioner
"Whatcha doing? Where you going? What’s happening on the weekend? Where did you get that? What you eating? Whatcha thinkin? Why are you leaving?”

Running but never getting anything done person:
Where are they going? Why are they always in a rush? How come nothing is completed?
Like looking serious and holding a clipboard = achievement?

The random angry guy:
The random angry guy is a time bomb waiting to go off. He is one of those pop caps. You turn it over and wait forever. Then nothing happens and you think it’s safe and go to inspect it and it bashes in your face.
Some things that may set of Random Angry Guy:
-          THIS PERSON HAS NOT REPLIED TO MY EMAIL! I SENT IT 42 SECONDS AGO!! I AM SURROUNDED BY INCOMPETENCE!!
-          YOU MEAN TO EARN MONEY FOR EMPLOYMENT, I MUST COMPLETE TASKS IN A TIMELY AND COMPETENT MANNER? SLAVE DRIVING BASTARDS!!
-          EVERYONE IS NOT AGREEING WITH ME!! SO WHAT IF MY OPINIONS AND IDEAS ARE CONVOLUTED AND LACK LOGIC??


Of course, this is a very short list. The random angry guy could go off at anytime, over anything:


What other types are in your workplace?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A family trip to the snow

A couple of years ago, V took my two sisters and I up to the snow. His parents have a caravan where we could stay that was only 30 to 40 minutes from Falls Gap and Mount Hotham. My sisters and never been to the snow before so we were all suitably excited. Now, on a normal day, neither of my sisters (who will now be known as L and N) nor I have a particular skill of not running into or tripping over things. Growing up was like one of those stupid slapstick movies without the bad music and the laugh track.

In hindsight, deciding to add immense amounts of frozen water to our situation probably wasn’t the best idea.

But at the time we thought it would be freaking awesome.

So, when you are headed to the snow, what’s the first thing you pack? ALCOHOL, because when you are headed to a slippery walking surface, the best way to counteract this is to use substances that will wreck your balance.



On the way up, L, N and I decided the past way to pass time on the four hour road trip would be to play a My Big Fat Greek Wedding drinking game (you take a drink whenever they mention food or eating. The bottle will never leave your mouth).

Drinking in a tiny Celica is not the greatest idea, and we ended up making about twenty pit stops, adding two hours to the total commute time. Of course, V had to park at the furthest possible point from the actual toilets, making us run across the truck stop.



When we finally got there, all was good, we tried to cook sausages in the dark, burning my hand. I apparently spent the rest of the night touching frozen things saying “Wow, my hand is still warm!” Then N decided to exhibit her excellent distance and obstacle judgement skills by running into a glass sliding door. Rather than actually trying to open the door, she then made a second attempt of walking forward. Finally we gave up and went to sleep.

The next day, we packed the car and headed up the mountain. It was fairly uneventful, until we were almost at the top of the mountain, in various states of awe over the snow. Then all of as sudden, we hit a patch of ice. As we skidded towards the high wall side of the mountain, L, N and I frantically grabbed at each other in the hope that holding hands would bring forth our powers as the Charmed Ones and would stop us from dying, while V spun the wheel in the other direction. The wheel clamped over to the other side and we began coasting over the edge. As I breathed heavily on the window, I watched the white coated trees come closer to my vision. Just as I had made peace with the things in my life that I had not yet achieved (Gone to Rome, successfully stalked Dave Grohl), we snapped back and continued driving. As we hyperventilated and tried to shake the spots from our eyes, V started singing along with the CD Player and calmly stated “You know, I really like this song.”

L, N and I looked at him incredulously while he looked back at us like a dinosaur puppy that just ripped off your roof and when you start yelling at him, can’t understand why:



(Yes, I AM comparing Sarah Palin to a dinosaur that randomly vandalises people’s homes without provocation and is then confused by any backlash it may cause. What’s your point?)

After retrieving our hearts and placing them back in our chests, we went off to explore the snow. V went off snowboarding and L, N and I decided with our EXTREME SNOW WALKING SKILLS, we would go sledding.

After going from one hire store to another, each one turning us down (actually, they had run out, but we felt like they were against us personally)


As we trudged out of the last hire shop, a shining beacon of hope glinted in the late morning sun:

A Sled! Right there waiting for us!!!

After a quick conference and a deciding game of rock paper scissors, N was deemed the retriever. After sneaking off with our prize, we spent a glorious afternoon sledding and causing future severe lower back pain.


We struggled back down the hill while V went and got the car, when all of a sudden a woman walked past, back tracked, and cried in surprised anguish “HEY! MY SLED!!!!”

They told us they thought it had been stolen, while we told her that we were on the toboggan hill and some family had given it to us to use, before sheepishly handing it over.

All the way back to our caravan we commiserated the unfairness of the loss of OUR beloved sled



We drank in honour of the sled, which had since been named Roberto (Bob for short), and then spent an hour trying to convince N that she was sitting too close to the heater (“But guys, I am not even near it! I can't feel the heat!"), before going to bed.

The next day we returned home. Just as we left, N said "You know, my back really hurts” and lifted her shirt to see a nice BBQ grill pattern on the small of her back.