Sunday, November 28, 2010

Why slasher films and daytime television are the same.

As most people who have gone to uni would know – a quarter of your year is spent going to lectures and studying, and the other 75% is spread between trying to make the best tasting drink possible from the cheapest liquor you can find, stealing road signs, and of course, watching TV at random times like 1 PM and 4AM.

Because of this, I have a minor in horror film and day time soap studies. And, of course, one stormy afternoon, watching Passions (still can’t believe that they cancelled that masterpiece) after finishing the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, it became clear:

Ever seen Deliverance? Ever heard the phrase “Squeal like a pig?” Don’t need to add anything else. Deliverance is some inbred fucked up shit right there. Not to mention The Hills Have Eyes, Wrong Turn, etc. In horror films, inbreeding equals cannibalistic murderer

In the quality of daytime drama program, someone is always marrying someone and at the last minute some random person runs in and says “STOP! He’s your son!!” which in turn causes a 15 minute close up of a shocked face before cutting to a commercial break, followed by a return with another 10 minutes

Yelling at the screen
A key element of both of these genres is yelling at the screen

You know that they can’t hear you, and people around you are glaring and pointing but you can’t help it.

It’s important in either genre to over gesture every emotion, no matter how small.

Your father/cousin/husband/brother in law just died? Throw yourself to the floor!!

Trying to stab someone? Go for a full windmill arc arm! Give the killer time to have shot you twelve times before your arm even starts going downward!

Getting some revenge on your mortal enemy? Say it out loud right next to the person you are plotting against! If you stare into space, they can’t hear you!!

No sense of real time.
Okay, go right now to your television. Watch any episode of any soap. Then go back a year later. IT’S STILL THE SAME DAY!!! THE MAIN CHARACTER STILL HASN’T FINISHED HIS DRINK!
However, at the same party, the kid who was 3 a year ago is now 24.

In horror movies, one minute the soon to be murdered students are just finishing school, then in the next scene the skankily dressed lead is walking home with her school books at 1AM.

I know why they are both so bad.
Clearly, this is the entertainment industry’s way of making our expectations so low that they can release movies like The Ugly Truth and we think it’s good in comparison.

I’m onto you, you bastards!!


Ethan (D_King) said...

Holy shit you need to write for Cracked.

Antarian said...

Hey thanks Ethan, it's good to know I am at least amusing in the written word.

How's life after school?

Ethan (D_King) said...

Meh, pretty boring. Bed at 5am and wake up at 2 lol.

Just trying to find a job at the moment.

Jadore said...

Your hilarious lol :)
and just seeing the mention of the hills have eyes makes me cringe, creepiest movie out.

Jarod said...

Ah, the overreaction, the best-used aspect of any TV show. What are the odds of marrying your long-lost cousin? Low. In a soap opera? 75% chance of it. It's like they run out of dramatic things to use in TV. (Eh, they probably have.)